CUHWC

Paul Cook's guide on how to save a fortune on waterproof hillwalking gear

All advice was fully tested by the author (and absolutely not endorsed by the editor - but if you're stupid enough to do the same, we can't stop you).

  1. Walk up Helvellyn on a cold rainy day, wearing only cut-off jeans and a T-shirt.
  2. Don't take a single waterproof item with you (i.e. not coat, trousers, boots, rucksack, anything).
  3. Ignore advice by people not to go to the summit - they are just jealous of your bravery. N.B. "Nutter" is actually local slang for "very brave young man".
  4. Don't worry if your knees go purple and shake involuntarily - this is quite a normal reaction. Just think of the money!
  5. When you get to the bottom, find a public toilet with electric hand-driers, strip off and dry all your clothes and skin (allow about ˝ hour).
  6. If it is one of those driers where the nozzle doesn't twist, perform a variety of yoga positions in order to get every part of the body dry.
  7. Smiling at others is the easiest way to keep them from staring.
  8. Go back to collect your car keys when you realise you have left them on top of the drier.
Paul Cook

Last modified: Wednesday, 25 April 2007, at 19:32 (BST)