Institutions of this club - there are quite a lot
Funny little foibles that us hillwalkers have got.
No one is immune to them - not even a member new
After just one trip you'll have picked up a few.
As an epidemic they'll spread around like wildfire
You can't escape, you'll pick it up, the situation's dire.
If you haven't noticed that you're picking up the traits,
I'll describe the symptoms - though prevention is too late.
I could just list their names - you'd know what I mean
But if I deconstruct them the power of language will be seen.
For language produces things; it doesn't just describe
These habits are influenced by the talk of the hillwalking tribe
(For those who aren't poststructuralists - a bit of brain strain -
Just ask Dave Lambert and in detail he'll explain)
The first hillwalking habits that a new member comes across
Occurs in all socials and especially at the Squash
When we're in the flatlands, pining for the mountains
Out come the walking tales - gushing like a fountain:
"When I was up Cadair - it snowed and it was May
101 types of weather, all in one day"
"Well at least you got some nice weather - not just lots of clag
There was whiteout on Pillar - we almost missed a bag!"
Yes, if you run out of talk or are feeling hill-enthusiastic,
You bring out tales of mountains grim, death-defying or fantastic.
An epic will fill many an awkward pause
And if it's extra mad - it may get some applause
The weather is discussed, often at great length
But when road-numbers or computers come up - oh please, give us strength!
So you've survived the pub and the hillwalkers' chat
On a Friday night at Churchill to escape the flat
Here you may witness a presidential trait
The ability to stress - especially when someone's late
"The Youth Hostel in Kendal shuts at eleven;
We're still in Cambridge and it's half-past seven!"
Or when we arrived in Ennerdale and snow we did find
The ice-axes were at Churchill, left far behind
But if Homerton bus cancels itself and transport's a mess
That's merely a challenge - definitely not a stress.
Another example of how language defines a trait -
Stresses and strops are similar, but with strops you rise to a bait.
Stresses may be necessary or things might not get done
But strops are petty and personal - annoyed, you'll be the only one.
You want to do a mega-long Cross Fell walk at Teesdale,
At 8am you're ready - to leave the hostel you fail
You can't get out of the gate - shut with a D-lock
The warden's nowhere to open it despite on his door a knock
Here a strop ensues - definitely not a stress
To observers, the situation's funny - to Keith it was a mess.
But eventually you start off, on your chosen route
Rushing up the mountains in your comfy well-waxed boots,
Nothing there to stop you as you go on up high
But some precipitation falling from the sky.
Having spent a fortune last week at Open Air
An ideal opportunity for your new waterproof to wear.
Here ensues a faff (subdivision: gear):
Looking in your rucksack you find it isn't near;
Emptying your bag - it's at the bottom of the sack -
Why can some people never learn to pack?
The wait continues as the sack's refilled
Language production - a faff this is billed.
To an outside observer in the rain they've had a rest
Faff or fester - which term describes it best?
Here hillwalkers' linguistic power comes into play
Has anyone been inconvenienced in this way?
Yes - those who weren't faffing just had to sit and watch
The faffer wasn't inconvenienced by the packing botch.
A fester, on the other hand, occurs on a mountain top
And is a mutual laze around - a tired or hungry flop.
No-one's inconvenienced - it's relaxing without reason
Especially if there's a view or it's the sunny season.
Yet as you start to leave it can become "Faff - second division"
A faff - subset camera - if before you's a beautiful vision.
During your fester you might have put on a woolly hat;
Your hat, gloves boots or jacket become the subject of a chat.
The tap's turned on for a torrent of enquiry
It's gear-freaks' discussion time - it can get quite heated or fiery -
Whether a tent in its pitch does stay
When a gust comes down valley & tries to blow it away,
What fleece is better - Berghaus or North Face.
With a gear-freak linguistic production really gains pace.
On Sunday you might fancy a shorter walk
Late night taking toll - too much beer and talk
Provoking linguistic constructions from those on a long trek
"Wuss," they'll call you - trying a mickey-tek.
This word needs deconstructing - it has many a meaning.
It could be seen as positive; it could leave you reeling
If those on a long walk are having a brag
About how many Wainwrights they managed to bag.
They may be looking down at a short but quality route
That gave great enjoyment to those with blisters on their foot.
Mockery of wussy walks by baggers is quite petty -
They'd look down on those who'd been to the Serengeti.
For there, there are no Munros or Wainwrights to bag;
Those baggers and Munro Mania players sometimes need a gag!
Encyclopaedia of heights they seem to swallow,
Disciples of Wainwright - in his feet they follow.
But wusses enjoy walks, not just "head down and endure"
Whether glorious in Glen Coe or dreadful on Dartmoor.
And wussing helps the local economy
As you visit great tea-shops and feast gastronomically.
So the power of the hillwalkers' language can be seen,
Terms can be used positively or can be quite mean.
Think what you mean when you classify as geographer or engineer -
The former are charming and interesting, the latter drink lots of beer.
But the ultimate example of how language can be problematic
Is over an institution that hillwalkers are fanatics
Arguments about it have nearly led to hillwalkers' demise -
How do you define Tuna Surprise?